i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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