Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
bring money and cleavage
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
