Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
