I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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