if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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