first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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