I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
