I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
