grandma shit on top of the toilet
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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