If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
