You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
