just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
