True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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