fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
