I wish they made helmets for livers.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
