The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
