We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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