The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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