I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
