just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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