you guys were way drunker than both of me
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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