i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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