dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
