Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I am available for nakedness
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
