Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
