someone threw a dead crab at me
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
