Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
