I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize