Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sext me about skeletons
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
