I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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