everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
