Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize