I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
