I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
