How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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