Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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