i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
