I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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