sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
