the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize