people are starting to question the shark bite story
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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