The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I think your dad took our porno
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
