Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(214): View more from Texas

We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary

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(760): View more from California

Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding

(248): View more from Michigan

And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand

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(586): View more from Michigan

I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now

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