My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
