I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
