I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
