If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
