The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
