I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I love you. Go after that dick
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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