I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
