I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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