if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize