As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There r osticjed everywhere
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
