I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just found puke in my bra..
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
