When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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