No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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